“I don’t want you to go to any fuss after I die.”

“I’ve had a great life; don’t waste time mourning after I’m gone.”

“Just have a drink in my honor and remember the good times.”

No one wants to burden their loved ones, so we may be tempted to try to relieve our families and loved ones from the perceived burden of a funeral or memorial service after we die. Suggesting they forego any celebration of our life does them a terrible injustice, though.

We grieve to the extent we have loved. As much as we might love to spare our families the experience of grief, we simply don’t have that power. If they’ve loved us and allowed us to love them, they’re going to grieve. So help them do it well!

When we grieve well, our grief is expressed primarily through the act of storytelling. We tell stories of the one we’ve loved and lost to anyone who is willing to listen. We tell the same stories, over and over and over. The one thing you never say to a grieving person is, “you already told me that.” You just sit back and listen, knowing you’re going to hear stories you’ve heard a hundred times before, and knowing they’re going to tell the story a little differently each time, depending on how they’re feeling.

When someone we love dies, we have an inescapable need to tell their story, and nothing satisfies that need and helps us move forward with our grief like a well-constructed memorial celebration. Is there such a thing as a bad memorial service or a bad funeral? Of course there is! Most of us have been to more than we care to remember.

Just because funerals or memorial services can be done poorly doesn’t mean they have to be done that way. They can be beautiful, uplifting, and healing. The key is to put together a service that allows the deceased’s story to be told truthfully, succinctly, and positively.

First, a great memorial celebration tells the truth. If a funeral or memorial service glosses over every shortcoming or challenge someone faced in life, you end up having a service for someone who never really existed. It feels disingenuous at best and ridiculous at worst. Tell the truth without dwelling on the negative. When you say Mom was more than a tad stubborn, everyone present will chuckle and relax a bit: they all know the truth of what you’re saying and you’ve just given them permission to tell their stories as they really happened.

Secondly, a great memorial celebration is only as long as it needs to be. How long is that? It varies, but a good general rule is to keep the entire service to an hour or less. Remember, less is more! Hire a certified memorial celebrant who specializes in capturing the essence of someone’s story and helping the family and friends build a beautiful celebration around their loved one’s best qualities. A great memorial celebration is a good beginning to a long grief process. It doesn’t try to say it all. It focuses on the highlights, invites people to consider the qualities they most appreciated in their loved one and sends them out grateful to have known and loved the person whose life was celebrated.

Finally, a great memorial service is optimistic. It encourages the guests to consider the positive imprint their loved one’s life made upon their life. It asks the question, “What did you love most about person we’re remembering?” It then invites everyone to recognize that the imprint their loved one left with them is 100%, fully transferrable, and it encourages them to go and share this positive legacy with others.

When a family holds a great memorial celebration, everyone leaves having taken a step or two through their grief in the company of others who share that grief. You don’t want to deny your loved ones such a helpful, healing process!

So the next time you leave a less than helpful funeral or memorial service, take the opportunity to encourage your family and friends to have a great memorial celebration when the time comes. Assure them they can gather for a beautiful service they will all appreciate if they just focus on helping each other tell their favorite stories and identify the qualities they most appreciated in the one whose life they’re celebrating.

LifeWellLived can help you create a Virtual Memorial Celebration that fits your loved one’s life and legacy. Better yet, you can take a Virtual Memorial Celebration wherever you choose! Let us help you tell your stories that matter most!