Asking people you trust to meet your needs, receiving their help graciously, and thanking them sincerely will help you move through the early days of loss.
Figuring out what you need in the aftermath of loss can be no small chore! Immediately after someone you love dies, you are overwhelmed by seemingly urgent tasks. You may feel like you need to call the dozens or even hundreds of people to whom you, your loved one, and your family are connected. You will undoubtedly feel pressure to care for other family members and friends, make mortuary arrangements, and plan a memorial service. None of these things are more important than caring for yourself.
If your loved one endured a prolonged illness, you’ve probably been neglecting your own needs for a while as you provided for his or her needs. If your loved one died suddenly, you’re probably in shock. Regardless of the circumstance that brought you to this moment, your body, mind, and spirit all need tender, loving care. Take time to breathe, to be present to yourself again, and to identify what you need most.
Ask For Help
Start by asking one or two people you trust to keep you company. Ask everyone else to give you some space and time. Assure them you will let them know how they can help over the coming days, but don’t let people with whom you’re not really close hover over you in those first few days after your loved one’s death.
Accept the help of your trusted family members or friends who you’ve invited to stay near you. Take a moment and consider the last time you had something to eat and drink. Ask someone to get you something; let them know specifically what you desire. Eating will not be easy; food may all taste bland and uninteresting. If something appeals to you, ask for it! Your loved ones want to help and running to a local eatery or grocery store to provide for your needs is not a burden to them.
Ask someone to help you make a list of tasks that need to be done in the next 24-48 hours. You just name things that are on your mind and let someone else record your thoughts in list form. Don’t worry about organizing the list or delegating tasks just yet. The purpose of this exercise is to unburden your mind.
When you’ve named everything that came to mind, ask your helper to prioritize the list and delegate every task possible to someone trusted by both of you. This is where you give others the opportunity they want most: contributing to your well-being at a time of great need.
Have Something to Eat
When someone sets your food and drink before you, put everything else aside, ask one or more people to sit with you, and eat your meal in the company of your trusted family members and friends. If you want to talk, talk. If you want silence, ask them to keep the silence with you. Slow down; eat; drink; breathe.
Over the next few days, give someone permission to prompt you to eat if it’s been a while since you had anything nourishing. Your sense of hunger will likely be distorted, and you’ll need to trust someone else to let you know when you need to pause and have a bite to eat.
Stay away from alcohol over the first few weeks, unless you’re enjoying a drink with someone you trust to moderate your consumption. Alcohol may make you feel better at first, but it will depress you over the long-haul, and that’s the last think you need right now.
Get Some Rest
You may not be able to sleep–at least not in the way to which you’re accustomed. Resting in a quiet room with your eyes closed away from all the activity will help you. If you can’t sleep, resist the urge to engage with a screen, whether television, computer, tablet, or phone. Studies show that engaging with screens makes it harder for us to sleep in the best of times.
If you’re overwhelmed by grief when you lay down to rest, ask someone to keep you company. Let them know if you would prefer they hold you, lay next to you, or sit in a chair next to your bed. You get to set the boundaries where you need them!
When someone shares your quiet space and understands that’s what it is–quiet space–you’ll find it easier to cry if you need to cry, talk if you need to talk, and above all else, relax. As you become more relaxed, you will find it easier to rest, and maybe even sleep.
ART – Ask, Receive, Thank
As an adult, the best way you can care for yourself is to ask for what you need. It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting others to recognize and address your needs. Remember–they’re likely grieving too, and while they want to help you, they’ll probably need your help knowing what is most helpful at any given moment. Ask, Receive, Thank–that’s the ART of moving through the early days of loss.
If You’re A Trusted Caregiver To Someone Who Is Grieving
Of course, every grieving person benefits most from having at least one person in their life who doesn’t wait to be told what to do. If you’re reading this article because someone you care about is moving through the loss of someone they loved, ART means something different for you:
Accompany, Respond, Trust.
- Accompany your loved one by mirroring their response to grief; be quiet when they are quiet, listen when they need to talk, and receive their expressions of grief without judgment or correction.
- Respond to their needs without waiting for them to articulate those needs.
- Trust your relationship with them and let the bond you share guide you in walking with them through their grief.
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