When someone you love is grieving, you may fear you’re going to say the wrong thing. You don’t need to worry; you probably will say the wrong thing–it won’t matter. Grief is all about listening, and your loved one won’t be near as concerned with what you say as with how well you listen.
Grieving people tell stories. They tell funny stories, sad stories, confessional stories, and heroic stories. They tell of mundane moments that were revelatory of qualities they loved most about their beloved. They tell of good times, hard times, successes, and disappointments. They tell the same stories over and over and over. They tell those stories a little differently each time depending on how they’re feeling at any given moment.
Grieving people tell stories without even using words. Tears can stream down their contorted face telling you more about anguish and pain than you ever wanted to know, and yet–if you stay with them and receive their wordless story–both of you will be transformed.
Grieving people tell stories in which disparate emotions suddenly keep uneasy company. Grieving people can erupt in laughter even as they wipe streaming tears from their cheeks. They can sit in silence for long stretches never uttering more than a sigh, then chuckle to themselves as their eyes fill with tears and they shake their heads in disbelief. Some of the best stories can’t be put into words, and nothing is more valuable to them than someone who treasures their wordless stories as much as they do.
Grieving people will tell you stories about themselves that most people bury in the deepest recesses of their souls. They can make you want to rush to defend them, deny their self-incrimination, and fortify their self-image even as you recognize that what they need most is just for you to listen and affirm how hard it is to carry the pain they feel.
Your grieving family member or friend needs you to listen more than they need anything else you can offer. They need you to listen to their words, to their wordlessness, to their sounds and their silence. It can be challenging to listen so intently to someone you love, but then there is nothing of greater value you can offer anyone, let alone those who grieve.
And when you’re family member or friend moves through his or her grief to the point where he or she doesn’t need you to listen quite so much, perhaps you will find they have given you a priceless gift in teaching you how to receive another’s many stories as the sacred trust they truly are.
Humans tell stories. Through our stories, we share wisdom, humor, values, and so much more. The stories that matter most revolve around the people we love most. Those are the stories we want to get right. Those are the stories LifeWellLived was created to help you tell. Let us help you tell your stories that matter most!
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If you’re looking for someone who will listen deeply as you grieve, it’s very likely many of the people closest to you could fill that bill with a little guidance. Most people are not used to listening; they listen in order to respond. Some are a little better and listen to understand. Very few realize that the deepest listening is done for the sake of empathizing.
If you need someone to listen, REALLY listen, you’ll probably need to tell them in advance what that looks like.
1) Tell them you need them to listen without responding.
2) Tell them you know they won’t necessarily understand everything you say, and you don’t need them to.
3) Tell them you just need them to listen quietly and care. Let them know that you’re feelings are raw and you just need to give those feelings some air in the presence of someone who will not poke, prod, or provide solutions.
4) Tell them you just need 30 minutes (or whatever period of time you are comfortable requesting) and stick to your time limit.
5) Finally, tell them what kinds of things feel “caring” to you right now, like putting cell phones aside, holding your hands while you talk, facing you, hugging you, or whatever communicates empathy for you.
It make take a couple tries, but if you share these simple guidelines with those around you, it won’t be long before you find someone who is honored to follow your direction and give you the listening ear you need. In the process, you’ll help someone develop a much-needed skill they can share with everyone else in their life.