It can be very tempting to try to “pull people out of” grief. We would do well to remember that while our grieving family members and friends are so much more than their grief, grief is a huge part of who they are right now.
A recent study was conducted to try to gain insight into what makes human beings happy. While there are all kinds of factors that impact a person’s happiness, the single most important factor the researchers identified as increasing a person’s happiness was their level of focus in the present moment. Those people who were focused on what they were doing at the moment were happier than people who were distracted by something outside the present moment. Even people enduring a long, slow commute were happier when they were focused on present experience as opposed to distracted by wandering thoughts.
Now you may think that this would suggest the best way to help a grieving family member or friend is to pull their focus from the past, away from their loss, and into doing something pleasant for a little while. The reason that is not true is it misunderstands the nature of grief.
Grief is not a preoccupation with the past, it is an inescapable immersion in a painful present. While our grieving family members and friends may spend a good amount of time reminiscing, even in those moments when they are recalling memories from the past they are working through the pain and loss they are experiencing at this very moment!
Supporting someone who is grieving is, in many ways, a lot like supporting someone who has suffered a painful physical injury. If your loved one breaks her leg, you would probably have little trouble expecting that her broken leg is going to impact her experience of the present moment. She may suddenly cry out in pain and need help adjusting her posture to take pressure off the injury. The next moment she may be relatively comfortable and tell you a funny story. Just because she’s comfortable in one moment and even laughing over a humorous anecdote doesn’t mean her leg is no longer broken and will never cause her pain again. You intuitively know the present moment does not determine the following one. You laugh when she laughs and help when she cries out in pain.
If we want to help someone we love while they are grieving, we just need to accompany them from one moment to the next. We can’t try to lead them to what we think is a better place. We can’t try to distract them. And above all, we can’t try to fix them.
Remember, your friend with broken leg isn’t a broken person. Likewise, our grieving family member or friend isn’t broken, his or her heart is.
Our grieving family members will heal, but we don’t get to orchestrate their healing process. If we are trustworthy companions, though, we will be invited to walk with our grieving loved ones on their sacred journey over which they weave the stories they have shared with their beloved into a present they share with us. Their journey will last as long as it lasts, but we will feel no compulsion to hurry it along if we let go of an imagined destination where the grief is no more, and cherish the journey with someone we hold dear.
Humans tell stories. Through our stories, we share wisdom, humor, values, and so much more. The stories that matter most revolve around the people we love most. Those are the stories we want to get right. Those are the stories LifeWellLived was created to help you tell. Let us help you tell your stories that matter most!
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