When we review conversations, actions, and unfulfilled intentions, even in the best of times the benefit of hindsight makes it easy to find fault. When we’re grieving, we’re especially prone to second guessing ourselves.

After we lose someone we love, it’s especially important to affirm those times we made good decisions and took positive action. We need to do two things: give recognition for good choices and remind ourselves that everyone is imperfect.

“I should have…” needs to be eliminated from our vocabulary. When we “should” on ourselves, we play the role of the authoritative judge, and we place our past self in the role of the ignorant transgressor. Needless to say, “shoulding” on ourselves hardly encourages us to take further risks! Far from empowering us to be a bold, loving family member and friend, we discourage ourselves from doing anything. Our remaining family and friends will benefit so much more if we are a gentle, insightful, invested participant in their lives.

The next time you’re tempted to pour ice-cold hindsight all over yourself, consider the greater benefit gained by asking questions to fan the flame of confidence. Ask yourself what you did well; ask yourself what you learned from your mistakes; ask yourself what you contributed to your loved one’s life. Give yourself room to learn from your successes as well as your errors, and you may never “should” on yourself again!

The past can be a gentle instructor or a ruthless task master, depending on how we welcome its lessons. You must be gentle with yourself as you look to the past and take from such a review only those lessons which you can apply going forward.

If you can embrace your imperfections and forgive your mistakes, you’ll find it much easier to remember all the good times, lean into life, invest in your continuing relationships, and move forward one day at a time. Guilt serves no long-term, positive purpose—at its best, it calls forth reflection, provides insight and hope, fuels positive action, and quickly dissipates. If you start “shoulding” all over yourself, you’ll lose your ability to be present with others today. Don’t let yesterday’s imperfections rob you of your magnificent memories.

Humans tell stories. Through our stories, we share wisdom, humor, values, and so much more. The stories that matter most revolve around the people we love most. Those are the stories we want to get right. Those are the stories LifeWellLived was created to help you tell. Let us help you tell your stories that matter most!