When we face a serious illness, receive a devastating prognosis, or simply reach our twilight years we often seek to ease any perceived burden we fear imposing on those who love us. We tell family members and friends we’re fine when we’re really not, we avoid talking about our own fear or uncertainty, and we often suggest we want our loved ones to go on with their lives.

If the conversation turns to the day we will no longer be here, we may even hear ourselves telling others not to grieve when we are gone. We might as well tell them to forget they ever loved us.

Grief is the flip side of love, and therefore, we grieve to the depth we have loved and have been loved. When someone to whom we have given our heart passes from our sight, we grieve their absence. It does not matter if we embrace a philosophy or religious perspective that assures us we will see our loved one again. Someone to whom we gave ourselves, with whom we shared ourselves is no longer here. The pain of that absence is inescapable and, at times, overwhelming.

So if you or someone you love is facing the ultimate horizon, know this: you cannot prevent grief. There is only one place where someone can be free from the pain of grief, and it is not a place anyone would want to go. Perhaps C.S. Lewis said it best:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

You would not want someone you love  to wrap up his or her heart in a casket of selfishness, so do not ask them to refrain from grieving. If you dare to love them, you cannot save those you cherish from grief.

People who have recently experienced the death of a loved one will tell you that as hard as it was to move through grief, the days, weeks, and months following their loved one’s death were made easier by those who patiently listened to their stories again, and again, and again. It’s in listening that we help family and friends move through the sense of loss and make their loved one’s story a part of their story. So don’t worry about what you’re going to say to your grieving family member or friend. It’s not about saying the right thing; it’s all about listening!

Humans tell stories. Through our stories, we share wisdom, humor, values, and so much more. The stories that matter most revolve around the people we love most. Those are the stories we want to get right. Those are the stories LifeWellLived was created to help you tell. Let us help you tell your stories that matter most!